Its been too long

So it has been way too long since i last wrote...a lot has happened good and bad. My sister gave birth to my nephew....I held him, it was the hardest thing in the world to do. My Hubby's grandfather passed away suddenly Monday to i guess hidden cancer....since after having drs appts at least 2 times a month where they take blood and stuff bc his alzhiemers and then once they took him to the hospital found out he had about a week before he went into a coma and would die a week later.
I got pregnant on our second try in October. I am now about 8 wks and scared. And Idk how i will feel next week let alone in June when this baby is gonna come.
 So I had my appt today, i had to go to my old dr that i would rather not go to bc i had to cancel my appt with the new dr bc of DH's grandfathers funeral and they couldnt get me back in until the end of Dec. I was like really im high risk i cant wait that long and the nurse was just plane rude. Anyway so i went to my old Dr today and....and...they made me feel very taken care of...i wasnt shocked they were always nice just a little too laid back about everything, like everything was just bc it was my first pregnancy and i was over reacting....well today they told me they were sorry about everything and how they should have listened to me when i was worried something was wrong....i mean the friday before i lost alexis on thursday...i had an u/s and everything was fine and all the drs i have talked to said that there was no way to save her or to know what was gonna happen other than delivering at 38wks. So i know it isnt their fault...but anyway back on topic. I had a regular appt then they called the high risk office at the hospital and asked them when they wanted to see me they said ASAP to start me on my meds....and i was like wat med and they said they want to put me on baby asprin and steriods and that they want to induce me or do a C section at 36/37wks at the latest. I was so happy that they had a plan and before my appt my old Dr had called and brought the High Risk Dr up to speed and they already had a plan. They asked me if i wanted to see a counselor and if i wanted any meds for emotions or my m/s...but said they new i wouldn't bc they know i dont like to take anything i dont absolutely have to while pg. Then they did an u/s just for peace of mind for me...and said i could come back on the 30th to have another one with the u/s tech on the 3D machine. Is it wrong that bc they know everything and seem to be on top of it that i kind of want to keep them? Idk what to do. My DH was totally against me going there but when we had no choice he said i guess its better than nothing and then after i told him about the appt he is with me...he thinks maybe i should stay there...i mean they arent going to be completely responsible for me i will still have the H R dr? Wat do you think.....? sry its so long

So I was thinking...

So the last couple days idk why but i have been thinking about the week after Alexis died....and i cant remember anything. All i know is i got out of the hospital went home got clothes and my hubby and I ran to my parents and spent a week there....and i dont remember what we did. All i remember is waking up one night screaming and crying b/c my breasts leaked so bad my bed and blankets were soaked. Other than that the weeks until i went back to work were a blur. I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned my house...even my basement. I painted every wall i could....i couldnt stop, i couldnt watch tv, i couldnt read, i was afraid if i stopped it would be the end of me...and now i know....i was right. I needed to keep going to give my life purpose. I didnt want to forget but for a short time i needed to. Then as I gradually slowed down, though the pain got worse, in the end, thats what i needed. I feel like we all have several breakdowns throughout the whole process. We have the initial "I can't believe this happened, What did I do?" breakdown. Then the blaming the doctors and medical personel. Then the "Why do those people that don't even want their kids get to have them and I cant." And finally the "It happend and it sucks it will never not suck, but I SURVIVED, I made it through and I am stronger for it" breakdown. I feel like you need to go through all of those before you finally are semi-okay. I mean you still cry sometimes when you think of your baby, or at stupid things that no one else would cry about, like, forgive the cliche, but spilled milk. I did i admit it. I spilled one of those little pints of milk all over the floor at work...and i cried like a kid that just got told they couldnt have something they wanted. There are other instances when you see friends with their babies and you think "aww just think of what my baby would have been like..." or my hubby's favorite, "Alexis totally would have kicked her butt..." or "I would have been beating boys like him off with a stick." No wonder one of his favorite songs is "Still Cleaning This Gun." Anyway I know Alexis' first birthday December 10th is going to be very hard, but hopefully I will be Pg with my rainbow baby and things will be easier...but as of right now i do not want to have anything to do with Christmas this year...i just want the entire month of December to disappear. But I've made it this far, right? If I can make it through this, then surely I can make it through anything.

Breaking Point

It has been a long time since i have posted but i was doing really well and things were turning around for me....i am 1 month and 3 weeks away from trying again....7 months out on losing Alexis and I look at her pictures and smile and miss her...i still ache but i dont fall apart when i walk in her room. Her crib is down, everything is packed away, ever waiting for the next addition that will come in hopfully 10ish months. So wats new? I got a new job finally, not one i would normally think i'd be into but a job...the hrs are questionable but its experience and a chance to grow. Also my sister is about 7 almost 8 months PG, i cant see her or talk to her much though bc it still hurts and though she is having a boy she is carrying him the same as i carried Alexis....exactly the same...it scares me. She is having a lot of the same problems that I had...just infections bc the baby is so low...not any connection to how I lost Alexis but it still worries me and her too, thats why I dont talk to her...well one of the reasons, I dont want to scare her or make her worry. The other reason I dont want to talk to any of my family is b/c last month when Alexis would have been 6 months....no one called, emailed, texted, anything....I didnt even get a message on Facebook...not from them anyway...from some of my friends yes....one my best friend even sent me flowers with a poem...I was so touched but angered that my friend cared more than my family...even my mom didnt say anything. And they expect me to be all happy and call all the time and see how they are and buy stuff for my nieces and nephews birthdays and travel 2 hrs for events...when they cant even pick up the ****ing phone and see how I am....not to be selfish or anything but I am the one that lost a child...I am the one learning to live again...i am the one going through what no person, woman especially should ever have to go through. Then today... oh today was my breaking point;
I had jury duty selection and i am one of those dorks that thought it would be fun....well boy oh boy was i wrong. First of all the case was medical malpractice...on an OB doctor/nurse/ and the hospital...not the hospital I used but one near me. Anyway...I walk into the room sit down look up...and there is my doctor....my baby girls doctor...the one that told me she was gone. I was barely holding myself together. I know that wat happened to me had nothing to do with him making a mistake but really...it was too much. Apparently he is accused of causing a brain injury to a child(shes 6 now) bc he waited to long to deliver her. The bailif even had to bring me a box of tissues....looking at him the entire time they were asking us questions was killing me. He was looking back at me with such remorse in his eyes but...i wanted to die. when they finally got to me and asked me questions i kept my head and said i couldnt answer in front of the other jurors...i am proud of myself on that aspect but embarassed that i lost control in such a public place after so long. And i havent really cried like that for about 2 months...i thought i was at peace and this just brought everything back. My hubby said that there is no way we will go back to that Doctor now...and part of me agrees but then part of me is like but he knows everything...we will have to fill in a new dr. Idk wat to do...i know that i dont think i will ever trust that dr again knowing that someone was accusing him of something so horrible. I dont know if i think he is guilty or not...all i know is that he does not deliver anymore hasnt for yrs...but still...ughhh. I am so disgusted and sick and sad and mad....i couldnt even look at him without having a thought that losing my little girl was his fault even though i know it wasnt. I wont use names of anything on here so its not going to affect anything with the trial...needless to say i was not picked...they were going to and I told them no...emotionally i could not do it..i know after it being almost 7 months since Alexis died that I am strong...but even the strongest people have their breaking pt and this trial would have been mine....even the jury selection was hard for me...no hard isnt the right word...i dont think there is a word...but in a way i feel betrayed. Thank you for reading...i hope i dont hurt anyone or upset anyone in anyway.

Men!!!

So today some jack*** asked me if i was pregnant.....i wanted to gouge his eyes out. In my head i said no D**K... my daughter is flippin dead....anymore questions. I hate men.. seriously that is not a question you ask unless you are 100% sure....and i know i am a little heavy after birth but its called depression darn it.... And i dont think i look pregnant at all... I didnt realize it would hurt so much.... but it is killing me. Its like all the walls i had built up to keep moving forward were just completely ripped down. I don't think i will be happy again until i am holding my baby of my own in my arms.

Any day now....

When people look at me they see a relatively put together young woman with her entire life ahead of her....if they know about the loss of my little girl Alexis then they see a relatively well put together young woman...but they are just waiting for me to fall apart.....little do they know.....I am falling a little more every day. Man its getting hard....i feel worse than i did waiting the last few weeks before i was due.....its just this huge empty feeling. I feel like it may never go away....im just so sick of being sad....but i just cant make myself be truely happy...not until i have a baby in my arms....its just so hard...

Can't get a break!!!

Idk what it is. It will be 3 months tomorrow since we lost our little girl and it just seems like everything is going wrong. We just can't seem to get ahead. I remember when we first got married everything seemed so great and perfect. We bought a house, my hubby had a great job, I was finishing up my last year of college.... It was great. Then things just started going south. Hubby lost his job, took him months to get a new one that pays a lot less and he has to travel a lot further. Then last few months of school, i got pg, it was great accept for the fact that my hubby didnt have a job yet and i was working, doing an internship and finishing school at the same time....but we made it through and my hubby got a job and i got a job where i interned....seemed like things were looking up. Then the funding ended for my position and i went back to work at a gas station....making next to nothing and working my pg ass off. Then went into labor early, 34 weeks....I wish they had taken her then my body wouldnt have had a chance to hurt her....stupid Chronic Villitits. Then everything was fine we were excited...worried about financially making it....then the worse thing ever happened....our little girl died 2 days before she was going to come into this world. But we survived....it has been 3 months and I am pushing all the buttons i can to get a better paying job, my degree means nothing though apparently...when i started college 5yrs ago a bachelors degree was a big deal....heck just going to college was a big deal, now it means nothing....everyone wants someone with a masters, well who can afford that afte 4yrs of college...its not like everyone can live off mommy and daddy forever.....I guess the new saying should be only the rich survive!!! Because they are the only ones that seem to be able to get anywhere....it really is who ya know that gets you anywhere in this world...nothing else matters. I have traveled the world lived in a foriegn country, gotten married, had a child, lost a child and i am still here i am still pushing forward...but how do u bring that up in an interview. When will they start counting life experience as experience. Its not like you can get work experience when no one will even hire you so you can get it.....its an endless dumb circle. Wheren't these people that are doing the hiringon our end ever before or did they just come out of the womb and get the keys to an office handed to them on a silver platter. ^You seen movies all the time about people rising above horrible things and getting what they want.....WELL I AM RISING>....Where the BLEEP is my key, when do I get What I want!! People say well Life isnt fair, Seriously! Oh life is fair alright to the rich and to the people who don't deserve it. I mean come on, isnt everyone freakin out because football players in the NFL are refusing to play next year because why? Okay okay they want retirement.....HELLO they make more in a year than most people in the world see in a lifetime, Its called saving ya brutes...if your not smart enough to figure it out yourself hire an accountant or something.... Half of one years salary and you'd be set for life. People are getting payed massive amounts of money to entertain us, to be professionals in sports and then their are people that have dangerous jobs and risk their lives and they barely scrape by...the world really is going to Hell in a hand basket when baby's die and no one talks about it but one tv star does drugs and no one can stop talking about it.....How many other people in the world do drugs? Do we talk about where it all went wrong and read about it in every paper...NO!! The person overdoses because no one gives a rats *** and they maybe get a line in the Obits......Ughhhhh  Sorry about the rant....i am just aggrivated with the economics and morality and understanding of it all.

Vent!!!

Ughhhh.....why do things have to be so hard? Why cant one damn thing just go right for me!!!! Why, darn it? Why? Im just so sick of everything. And the next person that says life isn't fair or easy...im gonna beat....ughhhh

Some Days....

It's been over 2 months and some days are better than others. We found out what happened.... the last test that they didn't think would find anything did. I have Chronic Villitis....this caused my cells to attack the embylical cord like it was an infection...which caused swelling and cut off the blood supply to Alexis...in most cases this just causes brain damage.....but mine was severe and it killed her.....it hurts so much to know that my body did this to her. It is so hard...i think about her everyday and what new things she would be doing. It feels like something is missing. All week i put on the happy face and make it through work.....so by the weekend i am exhausted, mentally, and physically.  We got the okay for May to get pregnant again...but my husband is not having it. He wants to wait until August or September...I don't want to. It's so hard living without my baby...i just want a baby. And today i found out that a friend of mine is in the hospital....her spleen ruptured. She had surgery and she is ok....but she was 13wks pregnant and she lost her baby. I can't believe it happened to someone so close to me... I wouldn't wish this on anyone...not even my worst enemy.....this sucks. I just feel so empty. I love my husband and my life.....i just feel i am missing something...like im walking around with a hole....and it sucks. But some days I close my eyes and remember holding my baby girl...and i feel better

I think ive reached the climax...hardest

Everything is getting harder...i guess thats what everyone said was supposed to happen....things get harder before they get easier...right? It will be 2 months since Alexis died on Thursday, and i miss her more and more every day. I see babies and as long as they are boys i can somehow hold it together and just smile and think about her, but if they are girls....i have to walk away, get away, run...away...or i fall apart. I want a baby soooo bad, before i was okay with waiting until September, but now....now i just want to be pregnant again, feel a babymove inside me, know that this time the doctors will give me the child i so desperately want. They said we could try in May...but I can't convince my husband.....he still wants to wait until September. I guess its different for him, he is prolly scared that something will happen to me or that it we will lose another baby....but for me this waiting is killing me. I just want a baby....And now i found out that someone very close to me is pregnant and i am...for lack of a better word...jealous. It is really starting to bother me. My sleeping problem is back....i guess i cant do this....i need some help....looks like im going to take the doctors advice....i tried really hard todo this naturally....but not now....not with all of the new developments.....ughhhh
I WANT A BABY! I WANT A BABY!!! I WANT A BABY!! I WANT A BABY!!! I WANT A BABY!

Happy Mommy's and Daddy's

So today i saw a man with his baby girl...she was about 2 or 3 months old...about the same age Alexis would have been...as soon as i saw them....i couldnt stop the tears. It makes me so sad and mad...it makes me miss Alexis even more. My husband should be that happy daddy with his baby girl...so proud of every new accomplishment and terrified of the next dirty diaper because he doesnt want a poopy one. And i should be the happy mommy just watching my little girl grow and all of the adorable moments with her daddy. It was so hard...i miss her some much...i want a baby soooo bad. We have to wait physically awhile...but i wish we werent waiting so long...sometimes....other times i try to think of the positive. UGhhhhhh its so frustrating and AHHHHHHH.....NOT FREAKIN FAIR. I just feel like idk...curling up in bed and not coming out for an extended period of time...it must be because i just went back to work today. It was a hard week, a long week, an emotional week...i had to tell on average 2 pple a day that Alexis had died...it got easier all week...until today...a man asked how much my baby girl weighed and then said i looked tired...he said i guess she isn't sleeping yet...i said no...she is always sleeping and will never wake up...a fellow employee had to explain  to him what i meant. I wish i could hide away from people this weekend....too bad that cant happen...oh well i will make the best of it. Man how i love blogging it is such a stress reliever....and thank you...for reading. And do me a favor...tell people...tell people about still births and if you know someone that has been through this and you dont know what to say.....just tell them you are sorry....and hug them....you dont need to say anything....but if you do....ask about the baby...we want to talk about our children...we are parents...parents of Angels....but still parents.

New Beginning

Well its been tough these last few weeks. I have my good and my bad days, as does my husband, but no matter what we will never forget our little angel Alexis. When i go out to the store and i see babies i have to fight myself not to tear up....i hope this doesnt last forever....people are starting to look at me weird. But as you may have read in some previous post i am a recent college graduate looking for a job..since the new year i have applied for 15 jobs....and for those 15 i heard back from 10 that i had applied to before the new year..."I'm sorry but you have not been selected for the position of ________." I am starting to get discouraged...in all since i graduated last May i have applied to 85 jobs.....i got one interview....wtf. I even had a University professor help me write my cover letter...which is awesome and my resume...so i know i am representing myself well...its just my lack of experience...idk why people dont think about this...if people cant get jobs they cant get experience...but if they will train someone...if they are young they will be there for a long time prolly...so in the long run...training someone...or allowing them to gain experience would be beneficial. I am hoping that this time around i get a job with my degree....all someone needs to do is meet me...give me an interview...i will prove to them that i am the person for the job. They worry about experience but i have more life experience than most people get in a lifetime and i have a drive to succeed. I just want to get a carrer going so next time we have a baby....I will be financially set...this time we managed but the last week before i went back to work was tight.
So last night i was laying in bed and all of a sudden it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders...idk if it was some kind of apiffany or what...but i have a feeling things are going to start getting better. I miss my little one soooo much...but i am excited to try again in a few months. I love her soooo much and i know she is watching over me...and i am glad to know that she didnt suffer....i am angry we didnt get a definate answer but maybe it means it wont happen again...idk what i would do if it did. But i know for now i am surviving, i am growing, I am changing and i will move on but never forget.

Does anyone really care?

I love that days even a week after someone passes away everyone seems to be there for you...even people you haven spoken to for years....but a few weeks later...nothing. Doesn't anyone understand that the beginning is easy...you are numb, in shock...you dont know who you have or havent spoken to or what you have said. Its like your living on autopilot...but as the weeks go on, you slowly begin to feel, to live again and this is the hardest part. You are coming to terms with your loss...and who is there...maybe some close family members but other than that you are on your own...no one calls to see how you are doing...everyone assumes that if you need something that you will cal them....what sad and depressed person thinks...hhrmmmm im sad today im going to call someone to talk...idk about anyone else but i put myself in a shell...but i do feel better after someone calls...idk i guess knowing that someone cares and is thinking about me and her. My little Alexis deserves to be remembered...i find myself angry at people because they dont ask about me or her...i mean i know everyone just doesnt know what to say but...i dont want her to die with her death ya know....

6 wks appt...some vulgar language

So i had my 6 weeks appt today...and they got all the test results back from Alexis's autopsy and stuff. I am soooooo angry. They didnt find a damn freakin thing. They said she just died....ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! BABIES DONT JUST FREAKIN DIE!!!!!!
Then they told me that some of the tests were inconculsive because she had been gone for 24hrs....well when i went to the hospital she hadnt been gone for 24hrs but bc they made me wait and induce labor instead of taking her by c-section...they couldnt get answers from the DAMN TESTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also my little girl was breach and this had been bugging me so i asked the doctor today....So she was breach but the Physicians Assistant had been saying all along that she was head down....and bc of her size and my size the dr said that there is no way she turned herself around....so she had been breach....meaning they should have tried to turn her after like 36weeks from the outside and if by 38wks she hadnt turned they would have scheduled a c-section...before i was 39wks.......she died the day i turned 39wks....So your telling me that id the P.A. Hadnt FUDGED UP AND SAID THAT SHE WAS HEAD DOWN...THAT I MAY NOT HAVE LOST HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WTF
so to comfort my anger my dr said she may have been delivered alive but then she may have still died...they have no way of knowing
I know i shouldnt dwell on the what if's....but that is one heck of a freakin what if!!!!!!!!!!
Now my doctor told us we can get pregnant again anytime after March...but the week after we lost Alexis he said we had to wait until Sept......I am sooo glad we pay doctors a shitload and they go to school for so long to give us no damn answers....i did everything right...everything i was supposed to do and not to do... So how is it that babies from people that didnt know...or did stuff they werent supposed to were fine...those babies lived....WTF is up with that....i dont get it. She was perfect...the stupid doctors even said they couldnt find anything wrong....so why did she have to die? WHY? WHY? WHY? AHHHHHHGGGGGGGGG Idk how i will ever have a baby...or get pregnant again...not knowing why my little girl died

Life and Death

I feel you move; I close my eyes and picture your face

I feel you hiccup; I smile just a little

My chest burns; I think about all your hair and what color it will be

I have butterflies; I can’t wait to see you, it is so close now

Something is different; I wonder if it’s First time mom nerves

I don’t think you’re moving; I go to the doctors

Doctor is silent; my heart breaks

I bring you into the world; but you are already gone from it

I miss you, I love you; you will always be with me

Bad day

Today just seems like one of those days...maybe I should just go outside and get some sun....the snow usually makes me happy. I just miss her a lot today....I try not to dwell on the could have beens...but days like today i cant get them out of my head. I keep telling myself all i have to do is make it 8 more months until we can get pg again...thats all i want. I was so ready...unfortunately its going to be a very scary time....i wont be able to be as calm as i was before...im pretty sure until the baby starts moving i will be freaking out all the time...and then im pretty sure i will be crazy about kick counts. Ughhh. I miss Alexis quite a bit today. I think its about time to start packing up her room....im not getting rid of anything but...i just need it to be out of sight for a little while....this will get better, with time.

Doctor update....yea ok

I talked to my doctor today...the tests so far look like she should have been fine....How can that be a freakin answer. BABIES DONT JUST FLIPPIN DIE FOR NO DAMN REASON!!!! How can any doctor accept that...how can they do tests and an autopsy and accept the fact that a child died and they don't know why!!! DO they even care about what the mom thinks? Do they even care that she now has to live with the fact that her baby died and no one can tell her why? A perfectly healthy child does not just die....SO HOW THE HECK CAN THEY ACCEPT THAT AS A FREAKIN ANSWER... ughhhh ahhhhhhhhh.......BLEEP...BLEEP...BLEEPING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One Month

Today my little Alexis would have been one month old. She would have been bigger and beginning all of her firsts. We miss her so much. Today is hard...i can't believe it has been a month already. She was so perfect, I dont understand why she couldn't stay with us. It just isnt fair. There are children born all the time that aren't loved or wanted....but she was very much wanted and loved...why not one of them instead of her. I just want my baby back :'(

Still Birth Awareness

Here are some links to Still Birth Awareness websites...Lets make sure other women know, so maybe it won't happen to them

http://www.stillnomore.org/main.htm

http://www.missingangel.org/main.htm

http://www.firstcandle.org/about/get-involved/advocacy/take-action/the-stillbirth-and-suid-prevention-education-and-awareness-act-of-2009/

Why?

I was just wondering why no one tells pregnant women about the possibility of a still birth...they tell you about every other defect and problem under the sun but not about still birth...like that your chances are 1 in 700....they dont care about upsetting you by telling you about defects and chromosonal issues...so why this...
Also why is it that no one seems to care if you dont get an answer...why isnt there a foundation that people can donate to that is focused on research to find an answer. I dont know if its just me but no answer or saying your baby was perfectly healthy we didnt find anything, doesnt sit well with me. Why isnt anyone trying to find answers!!

The loss of my baby girl Alexis

My name is Katie....my husband and I got married August 09...he is 24. We had talked about how bad both of us wanted children but i was still in school...and in my last semester jan10-may 10 I was working part time going to school full time with an internship...so i was really busy and my birth control gave me blood clots and so before something bad happened my dr changed my birth control and my hubby and i decided just to let whatever happened happen. At easter my sisters kept asking my mom if i was preggo and i just thought with the stress that i was getting fat...well a week later just for S***s and giggles i decided to take a pregnancy test while i was at work...i work at a gas station...well it was positive. The next day i went to the dr and confirmed...we had a perfect pregnancy...at one pt my little girl jumped ahead in size so they changed my due date from dec 15 to the 5th....then 2 weeks later they changed it back...but my dr said she would come whenever she wanted...we were sooo happy...and 3 of my friends were pregnant too...we were all due just weeks apart. 2 days before my 39wk appt one of my friends gave birth to her little girl....we were so anxious. The next day i felt...odd...i was having contractions but i didnt think my little girl Alexis was moving as mush as she should so i called my dr...he said it was normal bc i was going into labor and to monitor my contractions but more than likely he would see me for my reg appt the next day...I woke up in the morning...barely slept...still worried...went to my appt...dr said ok lets plan for a induction...i said yay...how about tomorrow..(friday). He said sounds good lets check her position quick....well he checked her heart first and couldnt find it...i said i knew something was wrong...the dr said dont worry we will do an ultrasound...sometimes the contractions make it hard for this little machine...so did an ultrasound....the dr was silent...i looked at him and a tear rolled down his face....i said no...cant be...this cant be happening...please...he said im sooo sorry...idk what happened...but we will find out i promise...he left the room...i called my mom...and then my husband..but bc he was about an hr away at work...i didnt tell him what happened just that he needed to come home so we could go to the hospital. He met me at home and i told him...he hoped it was a cruel joke...it was soo hard...we went to the hospital...my 3 sisters and parents drove 2hrs to be with us the entire night while they induced my labor and made me have her naturally...no matter how much i begged they told me...it was best for me to do this....so i did...on Dec 10 at 820 am i gave birth to my stillborn 6lb 14oz daughter Alexis Marie....we cried we held her, took pictures, and said goodbye...she was sooo perfect...still dont know what happened...but we miss our baby girl...it just isnt fair...she was perfect...she was our first

We know that together we can make it through this and in the fall try to have another baby...but we will never be the same...

I miss my Little Alexis

January 1, 2011

I hate being so angry. I try not to be mean to Joe, but it just happens. When I was pregnant I couldn’t wait for him to get his “man cave” done, but now that it is…I feel like I’m losing him. I mean he has heat, tv and his playstation. I guess I had better get used to being alone even more. Now not only when he’s at work will I be alone but also when he gets home because he will go right down there to play. I don’t know if I can be alone that much. I want to tell him. I want to tell him that I’m scared to be alone. But I don’t want him to feel bad, I don’t want to hurt him either. Man this sucks. I just need something. I guess I have a void that needs to be filled. 

January 6, 2011 11:40pm

I’m tired but I can’t sleep. Things keep running through my mind like, I need to call the doctor tomorrow to see about getting some answers and what I will say..what message I will leave. Then I need to get this tooth out its cutting up my cheek. Maybe I will have it done Monday…I don’t want to leave the house. I really should get it done tomorrow if I can. I also keep thinking about that day...that morning even. In the shower I pushed and prodded her, I knew something was wrong knew she was gone but even when I showed the nurse my discharge she said it was normal…it wasn’t normal it was my water with baby poop in it…because she had died and expressed her bowels. Then the doctor telling me…and Sara asking if he is sure…then me saying no this isn’t happening and him saying he is so sorry and then see that’s her heart it isn’t moving.

The worst day of my life...

I knew something was wrong I told the doctor when he got out the Doppler and even when he said don’t worry sometimes at this point it is hard. Did anyone find it odd that I had lost like five pounds before that appointment; it was like five days in between appointments? Man I wish I could sleep. I wanted to try to sleep without a sleeping pill. Didn’t work. I’m up typing, laying out my thoughts hoping once I get them out they will stay away, at least until my pill kicks in. My life lately is a nightmare…it all feels like a dream that I can’t wake up from. It’s like I’m that girl in the horror movie that goes into the room that she knows she shouldn’t go into because something bad will happen but she does it anyway. While everyone watching is yelling you stupid bitch don’t go in there. But I do. And then I cry and remember all the things my baby won’t get to do and I see pictures and see posts on facebook about my friends babies that are happy and healthy and I hate them for it. I am angry and I don’t know who to be angry at. Was it my fault? Did I do something I shouldn’t have done? People keep telling me “no, it wasn’t you, there is nothing you could have done.” Then why do I feel that way. Sometimes I feel bad because I just want to forget and move on…I should never want to forget my little girl…but why do I want to so bad. I just want to wake up from this nightmare…go  back to before I even got pregnant and pretend the last ten months didn’t happen. But I can’t. I need to remember all her kicks and twists, her hiccups and the indigestion from all of her beautiful dark brown hair. My little girl was beautiful, I know all parents think their children are, but she really was, she was the perfect combo of my husband and I that we had been talking about for the entire pregnancy. Again now I keep going back to this one part of this ordeal…well two actually.

First…

Me: “Joe you need to come home so we can go to the hospital.”

Joe: “Why? Your being induced today now? When?”

Me: (trying to hold it together) “Yeah, Well, when we get there…just come home Sara and I will meet you there and then we will go, ok? Love you…bye.”

Joe: “Ok I will see you  in a little bit. Bye love you!”

At home… Joe is home…Sara goes into her room…Joe walks in the door..I am on the couch with Alexis’ grandma blanket and blanket with her name on it and my grandma blanket and a box of tissues.

Me: “Joe I need to talk to you…you need to sit down”

Joe: “Why, what’s wrong?”

Me: “Baby…our little girl is dead.” (hardest thing I have ever had to say)

Joe: “What?”

Me: “She’s dead…we are going to the hospital to have them take her out.”

Joe: “What?”

Me: “I know…are you ok?”

Joe: “Are you kidding?”

Me:” No, this would be one cruel joke…I’m sorry hunny.”

No one should ever have to do what I did. But they do. Why don’t they tell us about this stuff. I know they say so moms-to-be wont freak out and stuff but seriously…people should know. We should know that just because we make it past 8-12 weeks does not mean we are in the clear. I mean there were two other women in the hospital with me that were going through similar things. It sucks and life isn’t fair and the next person that says that or that everything happens for a reason is getting smacked. Man I really need to get a job with my degree. If they want people with experience what about life experience… I have more than most people have in a lifetime and I am only 22. I miss my baby. I want a baby. I hate having to wait until September…but then again I will look on the bright side…well try to. I get to sleep in for 6 weeks at least..then after I’m back to work only weekends. I can drink. Joe and I can for the most part go where we want, when we want without needing a babysitter (just a dog sitter) or having to hall all-that baby stuff with us. Also we can drink….well I can drink. Not that alcohol is really all that to me. I need to lose some weight. I loved being pregnant, I could just say its ok I’m pregnant. Now I am just fat, with super stretch marks, with nothing to show for all of my pain and suffering over those 39 weeks. But really the last month was all that bothered me. What if that’s it? What if I did work too long? I wonder if I can try to go to bed now. I just want to sleep. Sleeping is the only time I don’t think…I can just be without thinking about what’s next, what’s for dinner, what do I need to do today? I wonder what Joe is feeling? We really haven’t talked about Alexis all week. Just tonight I brought it up and all he said was he knew and he missed her too…but does he go through everything a million times in his head like I do. Does he try not to look at her bedroom door whenever he passes by it? I know he is hurting and I know he is trying to be strong about it…but I just wonder you know.  Oh well at least its snowing. Something about the pure white snow…with no footprints or sign of disturbance in the morning just makes me feel….something. It’s like the first bite of a cookie fresh out of the oven…or the feeling of lying in bed all snuggled up with clean sheets and your lover…2011 has to be a better year. It just has to be…and 2012 will hopefully bring Alexis a little brother or sister that will always know about her. Ok…sleeping pill is kicking in…time for bed. Hopefully it comes quickly and lasts long.

It's getting harder every day

December 31, 2010

I guess the flood gates have opened…I can’t do it anymore. I guess secretly I have been holding in my true feelings not letting myself really fall apart…. Well thanks to today being the end of the year, they are open now. I thought right now id be exhausted from getting up and feeding a baby at night… not from crying. I miss my little girl Alexis. It’s just that I guess I knew but didn’t realize that Alexis would never have all those great firsts, Ya know? Such as first word, first time crawling, first steps, first hugs and kisses, first love and crush, first broken heart… her marriage, her children…my grandbabies… I am only 22 and thinking about how she won’t be giving me any now.  My husband has been great… I told him to be open with me and not to try to be the strong man and though he has been my shoulder to lean on I have been his and this has made our marriage all the stronger. We are trying to move on…with the New Year just hours away we are trying to think about the future…the little brother and/or sister that we can give Alexis and tell them about her…and how much she looked like the perfect combo of her mommy and daddy…and how beautiful she was.  We have pictures from the hospital but it’s not enough…. I want to hold her…I want to feel her breath and her little fingers around my hand. She was our first baby….our little princess, it isn’t fair that we lost her….it isn’t fair that she was taken away. The autopsy report isn’t back and we still don’t have any answers…. But all I keep thinking is what if we don’t get any answers…what if they don’t know what happened? What if she did it to herself? She seemed to be fascinated with the cord…what if she squeezed it too hard or something. Why didn’t my doctor just take her the 5 days before when we had an appt and I begged to be induced…I may have only been 38wks and 1 day then…but in my heart I must have known…I wasn’t really that miserable…I was a very happy mommy to be…so happy with my life and for my little girl. Every morning I wake up and hope it was just a dream….that I was just imagining it all and I’m still pregnant…or that I never was so this horrible thing hadn’t happened. Every day is harder than the last but I know eventually it will get easier. I find it strange that I want another baby already…I’m very scared though. When the time comes to have a baby again I know I will be terrified but I will never forget about Alexis and I will carry this pain around that no one…none of us should have to carry with us.  So Happy New Year….Sorry this was so long…just emptying my brain.