Breaking Point

It has been a long time since i have posted but i was doing really well and things were turning around for me....i am 1 month and 3 weeks away from trying again....7 months out on losing Alexis and I look at her pictures and smile and miss her...i still ache but i dont fall apart when i walk in her room. Her crib is down, everything is packed away, ever waiting for the next addition that will come in hopfully 10ish months. So wats new? I got a new job finally, not one i would normally think i'd be into but a job...the hrs are questionable but its experience and a chance to grow. Also my sister is about 7 almost 8 months PG, i cant see her or talk to her much though bc it still hurts and though she is having a boy she is carrying him the same as i carried Alexis....exactly the same...it scares me. She is having a lot of the same problems that I had...just infections bc the baby is so low...not any connection to how I lost Alexis but it still worries me and her too, thats why I dont talk to her...well one of the reasons, I dont want to scare her or make her worry. The other reason I dont want to talk to any of my family is b/c last month when Alexis would have been 6 months....no one called, emailed, texted, anything....I didnt even get a message on Facebook...not from them anyway...from some of my friends yes....one my best friend even sent me flowers with a poem...I was so touched but angered that my friend cared more than my family...even my mom didnt say anything. And they expect me to be all happy and call all the time and see how they are and buy stuff for my nieces and nephews birthdays and travel 2 hrs for events...when they cant even pick up the ****ing phone and see how I am....not to be selfish or anything but I am the one that lost a child...I am the one learning to live again...i am the one going through what no person, woman especially should ever have to go through. Then today... oh today was my breaking point;
I had jury duty selection and i am one of those dorks that thought it would be fun....well boy oh boy was i wrong. First of all the case was medical malpractice...on an OB doctor/nurse/ and the hospital...not the hospital I used but one near me. Anyway...I walk into the room sit down look up...and there is my doctor....my baby girls doctor...the one that told me she was gone. I was barely holding myself together. I know that wat happened to me had nothing to do with him making a mistake but really...it was too much. Apparently he is accused of causing a brain injury to a child(shes 6 now) bc he waited to long to deliver her. The bailif even had to bring me a box of tissues....looking at him the entire time they were asking us questions was killing me. He was looking back at me with such remorse in his eyes but...i wanted to die. when they finally got to me and asked me questions i kept my head and said i couldnt answer in front of the other jurors...i am proud of myself on that aspect but embarassed that i lost control in such a public place after so long. And i havent really cried like that for about 2 months...i thought i was at peace and this just brought everything back. My hubby said that there is no way we will go back to that Doctor now...and part of me agrees but then part of me is like but he knows everything...we will have to fill in a new dr. Idk wat to do...i know that i dont think i will ever trust that dr again knowing that someone was accusing him of something so horrible. I dont know if i think he is guilty or not...all i know is that he does not deliver anymore hasnt for yrs...but still...ughhh. I am so disgusted and sick and sad and mad....i couldnt even look at him without having a thought that losing my little girl was his fault even though i know it wasnt. I wont use names of anything on here so its not going to affect anything with the trial...needless to say i was not picked...they were going to and I told them no...emotionally i could not do it..i know after it being almost 7 months since Alexis died that I am strong...but even the strongest people have their breaking pt and this trial would have been mine....even the jury selection was hard for me...no hard isnt the right word...i dont think there is a word...but in a way i feel betrayed. Thank you for reading...i hope i dont hurt anyone or upset anyone in anyway.