Vent!!!

Ughhhh.....why do things have to be so hard? Why cant one damn thing just go right for me!!!! Why, darn it? Why? Im just so sick of everything. And the next person that says life isn't fair or easy...im gonna beat....ughhhh

Some Days....

It's been over 2 months and some days are better than others. We found out what happened.... the last test that they didn't think would find anything did. I have Chronic Villitis....this caused my cells to attack the embylical cord like it was an infection...which caused swelling and cut off the blood supply to Alexis...in most cases this just causes brain damage.....but mine was severe and it killed her.....it hurts so much to know that my body did this to her. It is so hard...i think about her everyday and what new things she would be doing. It feels like something is missing. All week i put on the happy face and make it through work.....so by the weekend i am exhausted, mentally, and physically.  We got the okay for May to get pregnant again...but my husband is not having it. He wants to wait until August or September...I don't want to. It's so hard living without my baby...i just want a baby. And today i found out that a friend of mine is in the hospital....her spleen ruptured. She had surgery and she is ok....but she was 13wks pregnant and she lost her baby. I can't believe it happened to someone so close to me... I wouldn't wish this on anyone...not even my worst enemy.....this sucks. I just feel so empty. I love my husband and my life.....i just feel i am missing something...like im walking around with a hole....and it sucks. But some days I close my eyes and remember holding my baby girl...and i feel better

I think ive reached the climax...hardest

Everything is getting harder...i guess thats what everyone said was supposed to happen....things get harder before they get easier...right? It will be 2 months since Alexis died on Thursday, and i miss her more and more every day. I see babies and as long as they are boys i can somehow hold it together and just smile and think about her, but if they are girls....i have to walk away, get away, run...away...or i fall apart. I want a baby soooo bad, before i was okay with waiting until September, but now....now i just want to be pregnant again, feel a babymove inside me, know that this time the doctors will give me the child i so desperately want. They said we could try in May...but I can't convince my husband.....he still wants to wait until September. I guess its different for him, he is prolly scared that something will happen to me or that it we will lose another baby....but for me this waiting is killing me. I just want a baby....And now i found out that someone very close to me is pregnant and i am...for lack of a better word...jealous. It is really starting to bother me. My sleeping problem is back....i guess i cant do this....i need some help....looks like im going to take the doctors advice....i tried really hard todo this naturally....but not now....not with all of the new developments.....ughhhh
I WANT A BABY! I WANT A BABY!!! I WANT A BABY!! I WANT A BABY!!! I WANT A BABY!

Happy Mommy's and Daddy's

So today i saw a man with his baby girl...she was about 2 or 3 months old...about the same age Alexis would have been...as soon as i saw them....i couldnt stop the tears. It makes me so sad and mad...it makes me miss Alexis even more. My husband should be that happy daddy with his baby girl...so proud of every new accomplishment and terrified of the next dirty diaper because he doesnt want a poopy one. And i should be the happy mommy just watching my little girl grow and all of the adorable moments with her daddy. It was so hard...i miss her some much...i want a baby soooo bad. We have to wait physically awhile...but i wish we werent waiting so long...sometimes....other times i try to think of the positive. UGhhhhhh its so frustrating and AHHHHHHH.....NOT FREAKIN FAIR. I just feel like idk...curling up in bed and not coming out for an extended period of time...it must be because i just went back to work today. It was a hard week, a long week, an emotional week...i had to tell on average 2 pple a day that Alexis had died...it got easier all week...until today...a man asked how much my baby girl weighed and then said i looked tired...he said i guess she isn't sleeping yet...i said no...she is always sleeping and will never wake up...a fellow employee had to explain  to him what i meant. I wish i could hide away from people this weekend....too bad that cant happen...oh well i will make the best of it. Man how i love blogging it is such a stress reliever....and thank you...for reading. And do me a favor...tell people...tell people about still births and if you know someone that has been through this and you dont know what to say.....just tell them you are sorry....and hug them....you dont need to say anything....but if you do....ask about the baby...we want to talk about our children...we are parents...parents of Angels....but still parents.