I miss my Little Alexis

January 1, 2011

I hate being so angry. I try not to be mean to Joe, but it just happens. When I was pregnant I couldn’t wait for him to get his “man cave” done, but now that it is…I feel like I’m losing him. I mean he has heat, tv and his playstation. I guess I had better get used to being alone even more. Now not only when he’s at work will I be alone but also when he gets home because he will go right down there to play. I don’t know if I can be alone that much. I want to tell him. I want to tell him that I’m scared to be alone. But I don’t want him to feel bad, I don’t want to hurt him either. Man this sucks. I just need something. I guess I have a void that needs to be filled. 

January 6, 2011 11:40pm

I’m tired but I can’t sleep. Things keep running through my mind like, I need to call the doctor tomorrow to see about getting some answers and what I will say..what message I will leave. Then I need to get this tooth out its cutting up my cheek. Maybe I will have it done Monday…I don’t want to leave the house. I really should get it done tomorrow if I can. I also keep thinking about that day...that morning even. In the shower I pushed and prodded her, I knew something was wrong knew she was gone but even when I showed the nurse my discharge she said it was normal…it wasn’t normal it was my water with baby poop in it…because she had died and expressed her bowels. Then the doctor telling me…and Sara asking if he is sure…then me saying no this isn’t happening and him saying he is so sorry and then see that’s her heart it isn’t moving.

The worst day of my life...

I knew something was wrong I told the doctor when he got out the Doppler and even when he said don’t worry sometimes at this point it is hard. Did anyone find it odd that I had lost like five pounds before that appointment; it was like five days in between appointments? Man I wish I could sleep. I wanted to try to sleep without a sleeping pill. Didn’t work. I’m up typing, laying out my thoughts hoping once I get them out they will stay away, at least until my pill kicks in. My life lately is a nightmare…it all feels like a dream that I can’t wake up from. It’s like I’m that girl in the horror movie that goes into the room that she knows she shouldn’t go into because something bad will happen but she does it anyway. While everyone watching is yelling you stupid bitch don’t go in there. But I do. And then I cry and remember all the things my baby won’t get to do and I see pictures and see posts on facebook about my friends babies that are happy and healthy and I hate them for it. I am angry and I don’t know who to be angry at. Was it my fault? Did I do something I shouldn’t have done? People keep telling me “no, it wasn’t you, there is nothing you could have done.” Then why do I feel that way. Sometimes I feel bad because I just want to forget and move on…I should never want to forget my little girl…but why do I want to so bad. I just want to wake up from this nightmare…go  back to before I even got pregnant and pretend the last ten months didn’t happen. But I can’t. I need to remember all her kicks and twists, her hiccups and the indigestion from all of her beautiful dark brown hair. My little girl was beautiful, I know all parents think their children are, but she really was, she was the perfect combo of my husband and I that we had been talking about for the entire pregnancy. Again now I keep going back to this one part of this ordeal…well two actually.

First…

Me: “Joe you need to come home so we can go to the hospital.”

Joe: “Why? Your being induced today now? When?”

Me: (trying to hold it together) “Yeah, Well, when we get there…just come home Sara and I will meet you there and then we will go, ok? Love you…bye.”

Joe: “Ok I will see you  in a little bit. Bye love you!”

At home… Joe is home…Sara goes into her room…Joe walks in the door..I am on the couch with Alexis’ grandma blanket and blanket with her name on it and my grandma blanket and a box of tissues.

Me: “Joe I need to talk to you…you need to sit down”

Joe: “Why, what’s wrong?”

Me: “Baby…our little girl is dead.” (hardest thing I have ever had to say)

Joe: “What?”

Me: “She’s dead…we are going to the hospital to have them take her out.”

Joe: “What?”

Me: “I know…are you ok?”

Joe: “Are you kidding?”

Me:” No, this would be one cruel joke…I’m sorry hunny.”

No one should ever have to do what I did. But they do. Why don’t they tell us about this stuff. I know they say so moms-to-be wont freak out and stuff but seriously…people should know. We should know that just because we make it past 8-12 weeks does not mean we are in the clear. I mean there were two other women in the hospital with me that were going through similar things. It sucks and life isn’t fair and the next person that says that or that everything happens for a reason is getting smacked. Man I really need to get a job with my degree. If they want people with experience what about life experience… I have more than most people have in a lifetime and I am only 22. I miss my baby. I want a baby. I hate having to wait until September…but then again I will look on the bright side…well try to. I get to sleep in for 6 weeks at least..then after I’m back to work only weekends. I can drink. Joe and I can for the most part go where we want, when we want without needing a babysitter (just a dog sitter) or having to hall all-that baby stuff with us. Also we can drink….well I can drink. Not that alcohol is really all that to me. I need to lose some weight. I loved being pregnant, I could just say its ok I’m pregnant. Now I am just fat, with super stretch marks, with nothing to show for all of my pain and suffering over those 39 weeks. But really the last month was all that bothered me. What if that’s it? What if I did work too long? I wonder if I can try to go to bed now. I just want to sleep. Sleeping is the only time I don’t think…I can just be without thinking about what’s next, what’s for dinner, what do I need to do today? I wonder what Joe is feeling? We really haven’t talked about Alexis all week. Just tonight I brought it up and all he said was he knew and he missed her too…but does he go through everything a million times in his head like I do. Does he try not to look at her bedroom door whenever he passes by it? I know he is hurting and I know he is trying to be strong about it…but I just wonder you know.  Oh well at least its snowing. Something about the pure white snow…with no footprints or sign of disturbance in the morning just makes me feel….something. It’s like the first bite of a cookie fresh out of the oven…or the feeling of lying in bed all snuggled up with clean sheets and your lover…2011 has to be a better year. It just has to be…and 2012 will hopefully bring Alexis a little brother or sister that will always know about her. Ok…sleeping pill is kicking in…time for bed. Hopefully it comes quickly and lasts long.