Some Days....

It's been over 2 months and some days are better than others. We found out what happened.... the last test that they didn't think would find anything did. I have Chronic Villitis....this caused my cells to attack the embylical cord like it was an infection...which caused swelling and cut off the blood supply to Alexis...in most cases this just causes brain damage.....but mine was severe and it killed her.....it hurts so much to know that my body did this to her. It is so hard...i think about her everyday and what new things she would be doing. It feels like something is missing. All week i put on the happy face and make it through work.....so by the weekend i am exhausted, mentally, and physically.  We got the okay for May to get pregnant again...but my husband is not having it. He wants to wait until August or September...I don't want to. It's so hard living without my baby...i just want a baby. And today i found out that a friend of mine is in the hospital....her spleen ruptured. She had surgery and she is ok....but she was 13wks pregnant and she lost her baby. I can't believe it happened to someone so close to me... I wouldn't wish this on anyone...not even my worst enemy.....this sucks. I just feel so empty. I love my husband and my life.....i just feel i am missing something...like im walking around with a hole....and it sucks. But some days I close my eyes and remember holding my baby girl...and i feel better