So I was thinking...

So the last couple days idk why but i have been thinking about the week after Alexis died....and i cant remember anything. All i know is i got out of the hospital went home got clothes and my hubby and I ran to my parents and spent a week there....and i dont remember what we did. All i remember is waking up one night screaming and crying b/c my breasts leaked so bad my bed and blankets were soaked. Other than that the weeks until i went back to work were a blur. I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned my house...even my basement. I painted every wall i could....i couldnt stop, i couldnt watch tv, i couldnt read, i was afraid if i stopped it would be the end of me...and now i know....i was right. I needed to keep going to give my life purpose. I didnt want to forget but for a short time i needed to. Then as I gradually slowed down, though the pain got worse, in the end, thats what i needed. I feel like we all have several breakdowns throughout the whole process. We have the initial "I can't believe this happened, What did I do?" breakdown. Then the blaming the doctors and medical personel. Then the "Why do those people that don't even want their kids get to have them and I cant." And finally the "It happend and it sucks it will never not suck, but I SURVIVED, I made it through and I am stronger for it" breakdown. I feel like you need to go through all of those before you finally are semi-okay. I mean you still cry sometimes when you think of your baby, or at stupid things that no one else would cry about, like, forgive the cliche, but spilled milk. I did i admit it. I spilled one of those little pints of milk all over the floor at work...and i cried like a kid that just got told they couldnt have something they wanted. There are other instances when you see friends with their babies and you think "aww just think of what my baby would have been like..." or my hubby's favorite, "Alexis totally would have kicked her butt..." or "I would have been beating boys like him off with a stick." No wonder one of his favorite songs is "Still Cleaning This Gun." Anyway I know Alexis' first birthday December 10th is going to be very hard, but hopefully I will be Pg with my rainbow baby and things will be easier...but as of right now i do not want to have anything to do with Christmas this year...i just want the entire month of December to disappear. But I've made it this far, right? If I can make it through this, then surely I can make it through anything.