December 31, 2010
I guess the flood gates have opened…I can’t do it anymore. I guess secretly I have been holding in my true feelings not letting myself really fall apart…. Well thanks to today being the end of the year, they are open now. I thought right now id be exhausted from getting up and feeding a baby at night… not from crying. I miss my little girl Alexis. It’s just that I guess I knew but didn’t realize that Alexis would never have all those great firsts, Ya know? Such as first word, first time crawling, first steps, first hugs and kisses, first love and crush, first broken heart… her marriage, her children…my grandbabies… I am only 22 and thinking about how she won’t be giving me any now. My husband has been great… I told him to be open with me and not to try to be the strong man and though he has been my shoulder to lean on I have been his and this has made our marriage all the stronger. We are trying to move on…with the New Year just hours away we are trying to think about the future…the little brother and/or sister that we can give Alexis and tell them about her…and how much she looked like the perfect combo of her mommy and daddy…and how beautiful she was. We have pictures from the hospital but it’s not enough…. I want to hold her…I want to feel her breath and her little fingers around my hand. She was our first baby….our little princess, it isn’t fair that we lost her….it isn’t fair that she was taken away. The autopsy report isn’t back and we still don’t have any answers…. But all I keep thinking is what if we don’t get any answers…what if they don’t know what happened? What if she did it to herself? She seemed to be fascinated with the cord…what if she squeezed it too hard or something. Why didn’t my doctor just take her the 5 days before when we had an appt and I begged to be induced…I may have only been 38wks and 1 day then…but in my heart I must have known…I wasn’t really that miserable…I was a very happy mommy to be…so happy with my life and for my little girl. Every morning I wake up and hope it was just a dream….that I was just imagining it all and I’m still pregnant…or that I never was so this horrible thing hadn’t happened. Every day is harder than the last but I know eventually it will get easier. I find it strange that I want another baby already…I’m very scared though. When the time comes to have a baby again I know I will be terrified but I will never forget about Alexis and I will carry this pain around that no one…none of us should have to carry with us. So Happy New Year….Sorry this was so long…just emptying my brain.
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