Men!!!

So today some jack*** asked me if i was pregnant.....i wanted to gouge his eyes out. In my head i said no D**K... my daughter is flippin dead....anymore questions. I hate men.. seriously that is not a question you ask unless you are 100% sure....and i know i am a little heavy after birth but its called depression darn it.... And i dont think i look pregnant at all... I didnt realize it would hurt so much.... but it is killing me. Its like all the walls i had built up to keep moving forward were just completely ripped down. I don't think i will be happy again until i am holding my baby of my own in my arms.

Any day now....

When people look at me they see a relatively put together young woman with her entire life ahead of her....if they know about the loss of my little girl Alexis then they see a relatively well put together young woman...but they are just waiting for me to fall apart.....little do they know.....I am falling a little more every day. Man its getting hard....i feel worse than i did waiting the last few weeks before i was due.....its just this huge empty feeling. I feel like it may never go away....im just so sick of being sad....but i just cant make myself be truely happy...not until i have a baby in my arms....its just so hard...

Can't get a break!!!

Idk what it is. It will be 3 months tomorrow since we lost our little girl and it just seems like everything is going wrong. We just can't seem to get ahead. I remember when we first got married everything seemed so great and perfect. We bought a house, my hubby had a great job, I was finishing up my last year of college.... It was great. Then things just started going south. Hubby lost his job, took him months to get a new one that pays a lot less and he has to travel a lot further. Then last few months of school, i got pg, it was great accept for the fact that my hubby didnt have a job yet and i was working, doing an internship and finishing school at the same time....but we made it through and my hubby got a job and i got a job where i interned....seemed like things were looking up. Then the funding ended for my position and i went back to work at a gas station....making next to nothing and working my pg ass off. Then went into labor early, 34 weeks....I wish they had taken her then my body wouldnt have had a chance to hurt her....stupid Chronic Villitits. Then everything was fine we were excited...worried about financially making it....then the worse thing ever happened....our little girl died 2 days before she was going to come into this world. But we survived....it has been 3 months and I am pushing all the buttons i can to get a better paying job, my degree means nothing though apparently...when i started college 5yrs ago a bachelors degree was a big deal....heck just going to college was a big deal, now it means nothing....everyone wants someone with a masters, well who can afford that afte 4yrs of college...its not like everyone can live off mommy and daddy forever.....I guess the new saying should be only the rich survive!!! Because they are the only ones that seem to be able to get anywhere....it really is who ya know that gets you anywhere in this world...nothing else matters. I have traveled the world lived in a foriegn country, gotten married, had a child, lost a child and i am still here i am still pushing forward...but how do u bring that up in an interview. When will they start counting life experience as experience. Its not like you can get work experience when no one will even hire you so you can get it.....its an endless dumb circle. Wheren't these people that are doing the hiringon our end ever before or did they just come out of the womb and get the keys to an office handed to them on a silver platter. ^You seen movies all the time about people rising above horrible things and getting what they want.....WELL I AM RISING>....Where the BLEEP is my key, when do I get What I want!! People say well Life isnt fair, Seriously! Oh life is fair alright to the rich and to the people who don't deserve it. I mean come on, isnt everyone freakin out because football players in the NFL are refusing to play next year because why? Okay okay they want retirement.....HELLO they make more in a year than most people in the world see in a lifetime, Its called saving ya brutes...if your not smart enough to figure it out yourself hire an accountant or something.... Half of one years salary and you'd be set for life. People are getting payed massive amounts of money to entertain us, to be professionals in sports and then their are people that have dangerous jobs and risk their lives and they barely scrape by...the world really is going to Hell in a hand basket when baby's die and no one talks about it but one tv star does drugs and no one can stop talking about it.....How many other people in the world do drugs? Do we talk about where it all went wrong and read about it in every paper...NO!! The person overdoses because no one gives a rats *** and they maybe get a line in the Obits......Ughhhhh  Sorry about the rant....i am just aggrivated with the economics and morality and understanding of it all.

Vent!!!

Ughhhh.....why do things have to be so hard? Why cant one damn thing just go right for me!!!! Why, darn it? Why? Im just so sick of everything. And the next person that says life isn't fair or easy...im gonna beat....ughhhh

Some Days....

It's been over 2 months and some days are better than others. We found out what happened.... the last test that they didn't think would find anything did. I have Chronic Villitis....this caused my cells to attack the embylical cord like it was an infection...which caused swelling and cut off the blood supply to Alexis...in most cases this just causes brain damage.....but mine was severe and it killed her.....it hurts so much to know that my body did this to her. It is so hard...i think about her everyday and what new things she would be doing. It feels like something is missing. All week i put on the happy face and make it through work.....so by the weekend i am exhausted, mentally, and physically.  We got the okay for May to get pregnant again...but my husband is not having it. He wants to wait until August or September...I don't want to. It's so hard living without my baby...i just want a baby. And today i found out that a friend of mine is in the hospital....her spleen ruptured. She had surgery and she is ok....but she was 13wks pregnant and she lost her baby. I can't believe it happened to someone so close to me... I wouldn't wish this on anyone...not even my worst enemy.....this sucks. I just feel so empty. I love my husband and my life.....i just feel i am missing something...like im walking around with a hole....and it sucks. But some days I close my eyes and remember holding my baby girl...and i feel better

I think ive reached the climax...hardest

Everything is getting harder...i guess thats what everyone said was supposed to happen....things get harder before they get easier...right? It will be 2 months since Alexis died on Thursday, and i miss her more and more every day. I see babies and as long as they are boys i can somehow hold it together and just smile and think about her, but if they are girls....i have to walk away, get away, run...away...or i fall apart. I want a baby soooo bad, before i was okay with waiting until September, but now....now i just want to be pregnant again, feel a babymove inside me, know that this time the doctors will give me the child i so desperately want. They said we could try in May...but I can't convince my husband.....he still wants to wait until September. I guess its different for him, he is prolly scared that something will happen to me or that it we will lose another baby....but for me this waiting is killing me. I just want a baby....And now i found out that someone very close to me is pregnant and i am...for lack of a better word...jealous. It is really starting to bother me. My sleeping problem is back....i guess i cant do this....i need some help....looks like im going to take the doctors advice....i tried really hard todo this naturally....but not now....not with all of the new developments.....ughhhh
I WANT A BABY! I WANT A BABY!!! I WANT A BABY!! I WANT A BABY!!! I WANT A BABY!

Happy Mommy's and Daddy's

So today i saw a man with his baby girl...she was about 2 or 3 months old...about the same age Alexis would have been...as soon as i saw them....i couldnt stop the tears. It makes me so sad and mad...it makes me miss Alexis even more. My husband should be that happy daddy with his baby girl...so proud of every new accomplishment and terrified of the next dirty diaper because he doesnt want a poopy one. And i should be the happy mommy just watching my little girl grow and all of the adorable moments with her daddy. It was so hard...i miss her some much...i want a baby soooo bad. We have to wait physically awhile...but i wish we werent waiting so long...sometimes....other times i try to think of the positive. UGhhhhhh its so frustrating and AHHHHHHH.....NOT FREAKIN FAIR. I just feel like idk...curling up in bed and not coming out for an extended period of time...it must be because i just went back to work today. It was a hard week, a long week, an emotional week...i had to tell on average 2 pple a day that Alexis had died...it got easier all week...until today...a man asked how much my baby girl weighed and then said i looked tired...he said i guess she isn't sleeping yet...i said no...she is always sleeping and will never wake up...a fellow employee had to explain  to him what i meant. I wish i could hide away from people this weekend....too bad that cant happen...oh well i will make the best of it. Man how i love blogging it is such a stress reliever....and thank you...for reading. And do me a favor...tell people...tell people about still births and if you know someone that has been through this and you dont know what to say.....just tell them you are sorry....and hug them....you dont need to say anything....but if you do....ask about the baby...we want to talk about our children...we are parents...parents of Angels....but still parents.