Men!!!

So today some jack*** asked me if i was pregnant.....i wanted to gouge his eyes out. In my head i said no D**K... my daughter is flippin dead....anymore questions. I hate men.. seriously that is not a question you ask unless you are 100% sure....and i know i am a little heavy after birth but its called depression darn it.... And i dont think i look pregnant at all... I didnt realize it would hurt so much.... but it is killing me. Its like all the walls i had built up to keep moving forward were just completely ripped down. I don't think i will be happy again until i am holding my baby of my own in my arms.

Any day now....

When people look at me they see a relatively put together young woman with her entire life ahead of her....if they know about the loss of my little girl Alexis then they see a relatively well put together young woman...but they are just waiting for me to fall apart.....little do they know.....I am falling a little more every day. Man its getting hard....i feel worse than i did waiting the last few weeks before i was due.....its just this huge empty feeling. I feel like it may never go away....im just so sick of being sad....but i just cant make myself be truely happy...not until i have a baby in my arms....its just so hard...

Can't get a break!!!

Idk what it is. It will be 3 months tomorrow since we lost our little girl and it just seems like everything is going wrong. We just can't seem to get ahead. I remember when we first got married everything seemed so great and perfect. We bought a house, my hubby had a great job, I was finishing up my last year of college.... It was great. Then things just started going south. Hubby lost his job, took him months to get a new one that pays a lot less and he has to travel a lot further. Then last few months of school, i got pg, it was great accept for the fact that my hubby didnt have a job yet and i was working, doing an internship and finishing school at the same time....but we made it through and my hubby got a job and i got a job where i interned....seemed like things were looking up. Then the funding ended for my position and i went back to work at a gas station....making next to nothing and working my pg ass off. Then went into labor early, 34 weeks....I wish they had taken her then my body wouldnt have had a chance to hurt her....stupid Chronic Villitits. Then everything was fine we were excited...worried about financially making it....then the worse thing ever happened....our little girl died 2 days before she was going to come into this world. But we survived....it has been 3 months and I am pushing all the buttons i can to get a better paying job, my degree means nothing though apparently...when i started college 5yrs ago a bachelors degree was a big deal....heck just going to college was a big deal, now it means nothing....everyone wants someone with a masters, well who can afford that afte 4yrs of college...its not like everyone can live off mommy and daddy forever.....I guess the new saying should be only the rich survive!!! Because they are the only ones that seem to be able to get anywhere....it really is who ya know that gets you anywhere in this world...nothing else matters. I have traveled the world lived in a foriegn country, gotten married, had a child, lost a child and i am still here i am still pushing forward...but how do u bring that up in an interview. When will they start counting life experience as experience. Its not like you can get work experience when no one will even hire you so you can get it.....its an endless dumb circle. Wheren't these people that are doing the hiringon our end ever before or did they just come out of the womb and get the keys to an office handed to them on a silver platter. ^You seen movies all the time about people rising above horrible things and getting what they want.....WELL I AM RISING>....Where the BLEEP is my key, when do I get What I want!! People say well Life isnt fair, Seriously! Oh life is fair alright to the rich and to the people who don't deserve it. I mean come on, isnt everyone freakin out because football players in the NFL are refusing to play next year because why? Okay okay they want retirement.....HELLO they make more in a year than most people in the world see in a lifetime, Its called saving ya brutes...if your not smart enough to figure it out yourself hire an accountant or something.... Half of one years salary and you'd be set for life. People are getting payed massive amounts of money to entertain us, to be professionals in sports and then their are people that have dangerous jobs and risk their lives and they barely scrape by...the world really is going to Hell in a hand basket when baby's die and no one talks about it but one tv star does drugs and no one can stop talking about it.....How many other people in the world do drugs? Do we talk about where it all went wrong and read about it in every paper...NO!! The person overdoses because no one gives a rats *** and they maybe get a line in the Obits......Ughhhhh  Sorry about the rant....i am just aggrivated with the economics and morality and understanding of it all.