Its been too long

So it has been way too long since i last wrote...a lot has happened good and bad. My sister gave birth to my nephew....I held him, it was the hardest thing in the world to do. My Hubby's grandfather passed away suddenly Monday to i guess hidden cancer....since after having drs appts at least 2 times a month where they take blood and stuff bc his alzhiemers and then once they took him to the hospital found out he had about a week before he went into a coma and would die a week later.
I got pregnant on our second try in October. I am now about 8 wks and scared. And Idk how i will feel next week let alone in June when this baby is gonna come.
 So I had my appt today, i had to go to my old dr that i would rather not go to bc i had to cancel my appt with the new dr bc of DH's grandfathers funeral and they couldnt get me back in until the end of Dec. I was like really im high risk i cant wait that long and the nurse was just plane rude. Anyway so i went to my old Dr today and....and...they made me feel very taken care of...i wasnt shocked they were always nice just a little too laid back about everything, like everything was just bc it was my first pregnancy and i was over reacting....well today they told me they were sorry about everything and how they should have listened to me when i was worried something was wrong....i mean the friday before i lost alexis on thursday...i had an u/s and everything was fine and all the drs i have talked to said that there was no way to save her or to know what was gonna happen other than delivering at 38wks. So i know it isnt their fault...but anyway back on topic. I had a regular appt then they called the high risk office at the hospital and asked them when they wanted to see me they said ASAP to start me on my meds....and i was like wat med and they said they want to put me on baby asprin and steriods and that they want to induce me or do a C section at 36/37wks at the latest. I was so happy that they had a plan and before my appt my old Dr had called and brought the High Risk Dr up to speed and they already had a plan. They asked me if i wanted to see a counselor and if i wanted any meds for emotions or my m/s...but said they new i wouldn't bc they know i dont like to take anything i dont absolutely have to while pg. Then they did an u/s just for peace of mind for me...and said i could come back on the 30th to have another one with the u/s tech on the 3D machine. Is it wrong that bc they know everything and seem to be on top of it that i kind of want to keep them? Idk what to do. My DH was totally against me going there but when we had no choice he said i guess its better than nothing and then after i told him about the appt he is with me...he thinks maybe i should stay there...i mean they arent going to be completely responsible for me i will still have the H R dr? Wat do you think.....? sry its so long

So I was thinking...

So the last couple days idk why but i have been thinking about the week after Alexis died....and i cant remember anything. All i know is i got out of the hospital went home got clothes and my hubby and I ran to my parents and spent a week there....and i dont remember what we did. All i remember is waking up one night screaming and crying b/c my breasts leaked so bad my bed and blankets were soaked. Other than that the weeks until i went back to work were a blur. I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned my house...even my basement. I painted every wall i could....i couldnt stop, i couldnt watch tv, i couldnt read, i was afraid if i stopped it would be the end of me...and now i know....i was right. I needed to keep going to give my life purpose. I didnt want to forget but for a short time i needed to. Then as I gradually slowed down, though the pain got worse, in the end, thats what i needed. I feel like we all have several breakdowns throughout the whole process. We have the initial "I can't believe this happened, What did I do?" breakdown. Then the blaming the doctors and medical personel. Then the "Why do those people that don't even want their kids get to have them and I cant." And finally the "It happend and it sucks it will never not suck, but I SURVIVED, I made it through and I am stronger for it" breakdown. I feel like you need to go through all of those before you finally are semi-okay. I mean you still cry sometimes when you think of your baby, or at stupid things that no one else would cry about, like, forgive the cliche, but spilled milk. I did i admit it. I spilled one of those little pints of milk all over the floor at work...and i cried like a kid that just got told they couldnt have something they wanted. There are other instances when you see friends with their babies and you think "aww just think of what my baby would have been like..." or my hubby's favorite, "Alexis totally would have kicked her butt..." or "I would have been beating boys like him off with a stick." No wonder one of his favorite songs is "Still Cleaning This Gun." Anyway I know Alexis' first birthday December 10th is going to be very hard, but hopefully I will be Pg with my rainbow baby and things will be easier...but as of right now i do not want to have anything to do with Christmas this year...i just want the entire month of December to disappear. But I've made it this far, right? If I can make it through this, then surely I can make it through anything.

Breaking Point

It has been a long time since i have posted but i was doing really well and things were turning around for me....i am 1 month and 3 weeks away from trying again....7 months out on losing Alexis and I look at her pictures and smile and miss her...i still ache but i dont fall apart when i walk in her room. Her crib is down, everything is packed away, ever waiting for the next addition that will come in hopfully 10ish months. So wats new? I got a new job finally, not one i would normally think i'd be into but a job...the hrs are questionable but its experience and a chance to grow. Also my sister is about 7 almost 8 months PG, i cant see her or talk to her much though bc it still hurts and though she is having a boy she is carrying him the same as i carried Alexis....exactly the same...it scares me. She is having a lot of the same problems that I had...just infections bc the baby is so low...not any connection to how I lost Alexis but it still worries me and her too, thats why I dont talk to her...well one of the reasons, I dont want to scare her or make her worry. The other reason I dont want to talk to any of my family is b/c last month when Alexis would have been 6 months....no one called, emailed, texted, anything....I didnt even get a message on Facebook...not from them anyway...from some of my friends yes....one my best friend even sent me flowers with a poem...I was so touched but angered that my friend cared more than my family...even my mom didnt say anything. And they expect me to be all happy and call all the time and see how they are and buy stuff for my nieces and nephews birthdays and travel 2 hrs for events...when they cant even pick up the ****ing phone and see how I am....not to be selfish or anything but I am the one that lost a child...I am the one learning to live again...i am the one going through what no person, woman especially should ever have to go through. Then today... oh today was my breaking point;
I had jury duty selection and i am one of those dorks that thought it would be fun....well boy oh boy was i wrong. First of all the case was medical malpractice...on an OB doctor/nurse/ and the hospital...not the hospital I used but one near me. Anyway...I walk into the room sit down look up...and there is my doctor....my baby girls doctor...the one that told me she was gone. I was barely holding myself together. I know that wat happened to me had nothing to do with him making a mistake but really...it was too much. Apparently he is accused of causing a brain injury to a child(shes 6 now) bc he waited to long to deliver her. The bailif even had to bring me a box of tissues....looking at him the entire time they were asking us questions was killing me. He was looking back at me with such remorse in his eyes but...i wanted to die. when they finally got to me and asked me questions i kept my head and said i couldnt answer in front of the other jurors...i am proud of myself on that aspect but embarassed that i lost control in such a public place after so long. And i havent really cried like that for about 2 months...i thought i was at peace and this just brought everything back. My hubby said that there is no way we will go back to that Doctor now...and part of me agrees but then part of me is like but he knows everything...we will have to fill in a new dr. Idk wat to do...i know that i dont think i will ever trust that dr again knowing that someone was accusing him of something so horrible. I dont know if i think he is guilty or not...all i know is that he does not deliver anymore hasnt for yrs...but still...ughhh. I am so disgusted and sick and sad and mad....i couldnt even look at him without having a thought that losing my little girl was his fault even though i know it wasnt. I wont use names of anything on here so its not going to affect anything with the trial...needless to say i was not picked...they were going to and I told them no...emotionally i could not do it..i know after it being almost 7 months since Alexis died that I am strong...but even the strongest people have their breaking pt and this trial would have been mine....even the jury selection was hard for me...no hard isnt the right word...i dont think there is a word...but in a way i feel betrayed. Thank you for reading...i hope i dont hurt anyone or upset anyone in anyway.

Men!!!

So today some jack*** asked me if i was pregnant.....i wanted to gouge his eyes out. In my head i said no D**K... my daughter is flippin dead....anymore questions. I hate men.. seriously that is not a question you ask unless you are 100% sure....and i know i am a little heavy after birth but its called depression darn it.... And i dont think i look pregnant at all... I didnt realize it would hurt so much.... but it is killing me. Its like all the walls i had built up to keep moving forward were just completely ripped down. I don't think i will be happy again until i am holding my baby of my own in my arms.

Any day now....

When people look at me they see a relatively put together young woman with her entire life ahead of her....if they know about the loss of my little girl Alexis then they see a relatively well put together young woman...but they are just waiting for me to fall apart.....little do they know.....I am falling a little more every day. Man its getting hard....i feel worse than i did waiting the last few weeks before i was due.....its just this huge empty feeling. I feel like it may never go away....im just so sick of being sad....but i just cant make myself be truely happy...not until i have a baby in my arms....its just so hard...

Can't get a break!!!

Idk what it is. It will be 3 months tomorrow since we lost our little girl and it just seems like everything is going wrong. We just can't seem to get ahead. I remember when we first got married everything seemed so great and perfect. We bought a house, my hubby had a great job, I was finishing up my last year of college.... It was great. Then things just started going south. Hubby lost his job, took him months to get a new one that pays a lot less and he has to travel a lot further. Then last few months of school, i got pg, it was great accept for the fact that my hubby didnt have a job yet and i was working, doing an internship and finishing school at the same time....but we made it through and my hubby got a job and i got a job where i interned....seemed like things were looking up. Then the funding ended for my position and i went back to work at a gas station....making next to nothing and working my pg ass off. Then went into labor early, 34 weeks....I wish they had taken her then my body wouldnt have had a chance to hurt her....stupid Chronic Villitits. Then everything was fine we were excited...worried about financially making it....then the worse thing ever happened....our little girl died 2 days before she was going to come into this world. But we survived....it has been 3 months and I am pushing all the buttons i can to get a better paying job, my degree means nothing though apparently...when i started college 5yrs ago a bachelors degree was a big deal....heck just going to college was a big deal, now it means nothing....everyone wants someone with a masters, well who can afford that afte 4yrs of college...its not like everyone can live off mommy and daddy forever.....I guess the new saying should be only the rich survive!!! Because they are the only ones that seem to be able to get anywhere....it really is who ya know that gets you anywhere in this world...nothing else matters. I have traveled the world lived in a foriegn country, gotten married, had a child, lost a child and i am still here i am still pushing forward...but how do u bring that up in an interview. When will they start counting life experience as experience. Its not like you can get work experience when no one will even hire you so you can get it.....its an endless dumb circle. Wheren't these people that are doing the hiringon our end ever before or did they just come out of the womb and get the keys to an office handed to them on a silver platter. ^You seen movies all the time about people rising above horrible things and getting what they want.....WELL I AM RISING>....Where the BLEEP is my key, when do I get What I want!! People say well Life isnt fair, Seriously! Oh life is fair alright to the rich and to the people who don't deserve it. I mean come on, isnt everyone freakin out because football players in the NFL are refusing to play next year because why? Okay okay they want retirement.....HELLO they make more in a year than most people in the world see in a lifetime, Its called saving ya brutes...if your not smart enough to figure it out yourself hire an accountant or something.... Half of one years salary and you'd be set for life. People are getting payed massive amounts of money to entertain us, to be professionals in sports and then their are people that have dangerous jobs and risk their lives and they barely scrape by...the world really is going to Hell in a hand basket when baby's die and no one talks about it but one tv star does drugs and no one can stop talking about it.....How many other people in the world do drugs? Do we talk about where it all went wrong and read about it in every paper...NO!! The person overdoses because no one gives a rats *** and they maybe get a line in the Obits......Ughhhhh  Sorry about the rant....i am just aggrivated with the economics and morality and understanding of it all.

Vent!!!

Ughhhh.....why do things have to be so hard? Why cant one damn thing just go right for me!!!! Why, darn it? Why? Im just so sick of everything. And the next person that says life isn't fair or easy...im gonna beat....ughhhh